Okay, so I was struggling as to where to begin, so I’ll start at the most logical place.  The important stuff.

I’ve noticed through my travels that we have an epidemic in this country.  Hell, it could be world wide, I just don’t know.  The thing is, we have an overabundance of unsatisfied women.

The problem, friends and acquaintances, is sexual.  I’m basing this on conversations I’ve had with friends near and dear, the media, any given sitcom, and conversations overheard throughout my travels.  Women are complaining.  COMPLAINING! When the bad sex jokes hit the sitcoms, you know, YOU KNOW it’s serious.  And it’s not your fault…ladies.

Now, I did not come to that conclusion lightly.  I’ve put the time in.  I’ve thought about it.  I’ve weighed the evidence.  I’ve asked the tough questions.  And through it all, I’ve found a common theme.  Men, you aren’t getting the job done.  Apparently, from what I’ve gathered, men, you are able to get them close to orgasm, but not quite there.  And worst of all, they won’t tell you.  Oh no.  Men, you’ll finish up (because let’s face it, we’re like bottle rockets, ssshhhhffffwwwww *pop*, and the fun is over…) and think you did everything right.  I’m telling you, men, nothing could be further from the truth.  The only equivalency would be making it to the parking lot of the Superbowl and not being allowed in the gate, but even that pales in comparison to The Orgasm That Never Was.

Case in point, after doing a quick search on the interwebs, I ran across this headline: “Vibrator Sales are Doing Great Despite a Slow Economy”.

This shit doesn’t happen in a vacuum.  There is a reason for this.  I haven’t looked, but I suspect that Duracell is also thriving for the very same reason.  Based on all this information, I think I know the root of the problem.

Somehow, men, we’ve become selfish.  I’m looking at YOU, Mr. Two Pump Chump.  And don’t think I can’t see you there, Mr. “She’s sweaty and breathing heavy, so it must have been good”.  It wasn’t.  I’m telling you, if she can still walk a straight line and remember her name when you’re finished, you’ve failed.

But, BUT, I have a solution.  I call it “The Pants Rule”.  Let me explain.

Years ago, I too had trouble keeping a relationship going.  Oh sure, they were great at first.  The sex was great (I thought), but eventually, the women would tire of me, and things would end, leaving me heartbroken and confused more often than not.  For years, this was the pattern, and patterns, we all know, are based on a specific, and common cause.  It wasn’t until I met *her that I figured it all out.  She was 11 years my senior, in her prime, and not afraid to tell me exactly what she wanted (take note of that one, ladies).  If I did things right, I was told so, and if I did things wrong, well, I heard about that too.  Through it all, I noticed two specific kinds of patterns emerging, depending on what I did.  Now I’ve already touched on the pattern of failure.  That was easy.  When I concentrated on my needs *at the same time* as hers, it would often end in disappointment and failure.  Again, I’m a man.  However…however, if I concentrated on her needs first…if I gave it my all and made sure she was satisfied, orgasmic, many times before I thought of myself, well, there’s very little in this world that I consider to be truly magical.  A multiply orgasmic woman is one of those things.  It’s right up there with the finale of the big 4th of July fireworks display, only without music by John Phillip Souza as accompaniment.  Unless that happens to be your thing.

So in a nutshell, here is The Pants Rule:


Let me repeat that.


Men, this is exactly how you stop being selfish.

I hear you out there, saying, “But, but, how?  It could take a long time to make that happen!”  Well, yeah.  It could.  You might end up not being able to hold your keys the next day due to muscle fatigue in your fingers.  Or, for those of you out there willing to go the distance the right way, perhaps you’ll have problems talking because, let’s face it, your tongue is sprained (honestly, if you really cared, you’d learn to breathe through your ears…).  Well, too fucking bad.  As a man, you have the responsibility to GET THE JOB DONE.  If you put that much effort and energy into getting her naked and willing in the first place, MAKE IT COUNT!  I guarantee you she won’t object to an hour or two of foreplay.  There. Is. No. Time. Limit.

Here’s a thought.  Want to blow her mind?  Try this!  Make her come 3 times (minimum), and then beg off that you have an early meeting.  Never even remove the pants!  How about that?  What do you think will go through her head?  I feel quite confident that if you do that, she WILL come back.  Gratefully.  Which really, is an admirable goal.  To be soooo good that she’s actually grateful for your attention?  And don’t let her fake it!  Be sure, absolutely sure that she’s come.  And come HARD.

If you satisfy your woman in that way, it can only lead to a better community, a better world, and a better tomorrow for everybody.  I’m convinced that that’s the road to world peace.  A world chock full of multiply orgasmic women.

It will take true grit, and testicular fortitude on your part, men, but I have faith, dammit, I have faith.  I have faith that you all can be the orgasm donors that you should be.  Work it until she screams “Enough! Enough! Enough!” Carb load beforehand if you have to, but GET IT DONE!

Alright!  Do your duty, men.  MAN UP.